Body Dysmorphia is something I’ve struggled with for many years. It took a while to actually seek the help I needed. I figured I was just insecure and everyone must obsess in the same way I do. Six years ago I was 118lbs and still trying to loose another ten. My thought process? If I’m skinny, I’ll feel better. I’ll feel more confident. More attractive. Everything..life itself is just better when you’re thinner.
What I’ve come to realize is that once you “fix the flaw” it takes a significant amount of time for your mental to catch up. I still felt “fat” and insecure at my thinnest. My life felt so out of control then that all I could control was my weight. I tried every fad diet, every Master Cleanse, every diet pill, and even after I reached a goal, I had to keep going. I needed to be skinny. It was all I could obsess about. I’m 31 and I’m finally at a healthy track with food. My relationship with food and fitness has changed significantly…much of it not my choice, but thank God things are looking up. I finally feel like I’m forming a healthy relationship with food. It’s a true testament to just how powerful media, social media, t.v, pop culture can rob you of your progress and think you’re not good enough. I’ve spent a lot of time on my mental health. I’m not healed. I’m certain I’ll be dealing with this for the rest of my life. What I have learned is to take time away from the outside world when I feel triggered. To be aware when I start to compare my bodies to bodies online that aren’t genetically possible.
As the Fashion Industry has transitioned from the size zero to the “Kardashian” body, if you will. It’s evident that what’s most important is true inner worth and a realistic healthy relationship with your well being. I’m down 5 dress sizes since my son and yet I don’t feel as comfortable in my skin as I would like, but I’m trying. Every day I wake up and speak positively to myself in the mirror. When I see the 110lb model on Instagram, I unfollow. I shop for MY BODY and comfort, not what Fashion Nova is pushing. I’m conscientious of what I ingest, not because of the new keto fad or whatever else is going on, but because I know the core of my serotonin levels come from the food I eat, and as a mom I want to give a hundred percent of my energy to my family. I don’t mealprep, calorie count, I just eat real food and try my best to stay away from fast food and processed junk that doesn’t sit well with my body. I think the bottom line is to do what’s best for your own body. To remember that you weren’t put on this earth to be a size 2 or to constantly lose weight. This is the first time in my life where I feel in control of my body, for the right reasons. My body and my perception of it is a positive one, and while I still have to put in effort every single day, I hope in sharing my rollercoaster of a journey can help someone else remember that they’re not alone.